It's Over

Summer is over, and so is this blogging parting of my life. I really just don't have time for it anymore. But, it also feels that the writing therapy that blogging gave me to help with my year of transition has just come to a natural end. My life is headed in a new direction....A GOOD ONE!! And, I'm happy to say that not only has God provided me with a great new job, I've been seeing someone and we're headed into a marriage of our own. I'll not only dive into a new role as a wife, but also as a step-mom...I've got a lot to learn about boys! I am so excited for this new phase in life, but sometimes I catch myself worrying about the unknowns. I KNOW there will be hard times ahead. But, I also know that I have to keep God front and center in this journey, and He will direct my path.

Focus

Those who know me well, know that I am NOT an avid reader. I don't mind reading, just don't ask me to do it a lot. And don't buy me books unless I specifically ask for one....no offence, but chances of me reading it are slim to none. One exception to this is if I come across a book of which it's contents pertains to me and what is happening in my life at that time. When I was pregnant, I read books about pregnancy, babies and parenting; when I was going through separation and divorce, I read books about the legal side of it, about healing, and about parenting and the effect divorce has on children. When I am reading, I often times come across bits and pieces that just really stand out to me. If I have a pen handy, I'll underline it and dog ear the page (YES, I'm a dog ear-er!) However, when I'm reading something online, I'll often times quickly jot down the content/quote onto a scrap piece of paper and throw it in either my purse or laptop case. Well, as I was weeding through the mounds of paper in my bag today, I came across this little piece that I wrote down...and of course I didn't jot down where I read it, so I have no idea where it came from!! Here it is....

"When you focus so much on the things you don't love, you start to forget the things you do." I LOVE IT THIS!!

When did this happen?!

My daughter had her first dance recital this past weekend, and all though she didn't remember all of her dance steps, I WAS SOOOOOO PROUD OF HER! When did she grow up? I can't believe we've also survived first half year of preschool. One more year of preschool and I'll have a kindergardener on my hands! When did I grow up??...haha, don't answer that!!

Overwhelmed

This week has been rough. My daughter is sick. More sick than she has been in a long time. Coughing, crying, in pain because of an ear infection.
To add to a stressful week, I've got job, financial/tax stuff on the mind as well as nearing the end to the hardest year of my life. When it seems that everything is closing in at once, I often find myself becoming resentful to the fact that I'm doing this whole parenting thing on my own. OK, don't get me wrong, yes, I know God is with me, and my parents are a HUGE help, but, at the end of the day, in the wee hours of the night when I need my sleep too...there is just one of me to do the parenting. I don't get to take turns with anyone at night...this is it!...I'm it! Instead, I know I need to be greatful that I AM THERE to raise my daughter. It sometimes is just hard to remember when you're in the middle of it all. (and now the song "I will survive" comes to mind...lol)

Pony Parade

My daughter LOVES My Little Ponies....I mean really loves them. Sometimes I wonder if it's turning into an unhealthy obsession, lol. Last count I took she had 11 of them and she always knows if one is missing and can tell you exactly which one it is. Not too long ago I went into the bathroom after she had finished her bath and gone to bed....and this is what I found... I'm not sure if every kid does this or just certain ones, but she is ALWAYS organizing things to be perfectly in order. She'll separate her ponies into size, colour AND which ones are actually unicorns and which ones are not. This amazes me...especially since she's only 3 years old!

Finding ME!

One thing I've realized this past year is that in the nine years I spent with my "significant other", I completely lost who I was! I got wrapped up in the trying to "jive" with the other person, that I lost the things that make me me!

I've just slowly started to make me, me again. First thing first: my faith. God was staring me right in the eye this whole year (and even before!) There was NO WAY I could ignore it any longer. God put together so many puzzle pieces in the exact time and place they were supposed to be, that I really couldn't even consider calling them coinsidences any longer. I continue to put my trust in Him DAILY as there are so many things that still need to be worked out. Things I simply don't have an answer for.

A few other "to do's" I have on my list are: snowboarding, wakeboarding, camping, and I may even try to learn to ride a motorbike! Hmmm....I've got quite the year ahead of me. So far, I can cross snowboarding off the list!!! Yes, I actually loved it and will be doing it regularly in the winter time!

Check it out:

Decisions

It's amazing what time will do. It's been 11 months. I've stood my ground in sticking with my decisions and have struggled it out through the tough stuff (but came out on top!). I do not stand alone, my strength comes from the Lord.

Philippians 4:13
"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength".

New Year, New Things

So it's early (REALLY EARLY) Christmas morning and I can't sleep! I've been thinking about the new year and what I want to do this next year. There are so many things that I've always said I wanted to try but haven't. This next year I'm going to do it! So far on my list I have: snowboarding, camping with my daughter and wakeboarding. I know there's going to be more, but that's what I've started off with. I've actually set a date in January to go for some snowboarding lessons, so that's already in the works. I talked to my cousins, aunts and uncles tonight and they've agreed to take me out on their boat and show me the ropes of wakeboarding...so why not through in camping while out there?!

I value my family a lot. Not just my immediate family, but my entire extended family as well. This summer it is my goal to get my whole extended family on my dad's side out to my place for a BBQ (the weather better be good because not everyone is going to fit in my 720 sq ft house!). Tonight my grandma expressed that she would love to have a picture of all of her great grand kids along with one of her grand children (my youngest cousin). It was my youngest cousin who was wishing that his cousins would start having kids so that he wouldn't be the youngest anymore. His wish came true, and now there are 5 (almost 6) babies and young kids. I'd love to get this picture for my grandma. Wish me luck in getting this done!

Sounds like I have a pretty exciting year planned! I'm looking forward to it!

Love is a Choice

I know I've linked this page to my facebook too, but I just love how this dude describes love! I think waaaaay too many marriages end because people's "buzz" has ended and they just think "oh, well I've fallen out of love." That's such a cop out!
http://www.laughyourway.com/blog/falling-in-and-out-of-love/

Forgiveness

I know I need to forgive. I need to battle bitterness. I've seen first hand how bitterness manifests itself and takes hold of a person's life. After getting to know these people, I always told myself that I don't want "end up" like that. Bitterness has made them angry, almost cronically angry. It seems there is always a problem with everything and everyone and that they can never be satisified or happy with anything. I thought I had forgiven the people who have hurt me. Sometimes I find myself needing to continue to forgive on a regular basis though. That makes me think, have I truly forgiven them then? I guess time will tell. It seems there is some truth to the saying "time heals all wounds". I find time is definitely helping, however, it just that, a helper. Time is not the ultimate healer, God is.

New Traditions

I won't be with my daughter this Christmas. In fact, I won't be seeing her for an entire week over the holidays. Wow, I really don't know what I'm going to do with myself then. Work can only keep me occupied for so long. Christmas has always been a holiday I cherished most with my family. Family is very important to me, and for me to be missing part of my family on Christmas is going to be tough. I have to make new traditions now. I'm celebrating Christmas with my family a week early this year, and well, every other year from now on. I'm still looking forward to my family time this year, even if it's not going to be on Christmas day.

Christmas 2011 is something our whole family is REALLY looking forward to. It will be the first Christmas that my daughter will have a cousin! And, I'm looking forward to the roll of "Aunty Kristy" (sounds good, doesn't it?).

This crazy adventure called life is just getting interesting. I can't wait to see what the next year holds.

Perspective

per·spec·tive (p r-sp k t v). n. 1. a. A view or vista. b. A mental view or outlook

So I'm sitting here, alone, in my house (ultimately avoiding housework).  My daughter is away this weekend visiting her dad (for an extra day this time).  It's these weekends that are actually the hardest on me.  It's always SO quitet in my house when she's away.  When it's this quiet, my mind runs wild, and it's at these times I really have to train my thinking to "not go there".  I often think of things like "how could you do this to me?", "Your taking MY daughter for your regular visits when you didn't even want a child in the first place",  "I've essentially given you a free pass to not HAVE to be a dad, and now you're choosing what you say you didn't want."  

OK, so I'm going to look at this situation from a different perspective....I have regular time to take care of myself.  Regular time to catch up on sleep, housework, shopping, whatever it may be.  Not all moms get that, and I am very fortunate to have this time for me.  The circumstances are unfortunate, but oh well.  And, the fact that my daughter does have time with her dad is important.  In fact, she now has more time with her dad than she did before.  So, I do beleive that is a blessing, not only for her, but for her dad as well.  I have no doubt that she is teaching him something amazing about life, love and true happiness...I just wish I could see it!


So, as I sit here alone, I am thanking God for everything he has blessed me with, even in my darkest hour. 

Take Care of Yourself

I've actually found this easier to do now than in the past.  Separation and divorce often times dumps on self esteem.  I know it did for me. I got my hair done recently, and I'm reminded of how FABULOUS this makes me feel.  It might seem small, but it's important to take time to make yourself feel good.  Other things I like to do is buying myself a new outfit a few times a year, decking myself out with my MK samples and actually going out!  What do you do to boost your self esteem?

Don't Fight It!

Don't fight the process that naturally comes from a major loss and/or life change.  A process of grieving, and with it comes healing.  Give it time to run it's course.

Stages of Grief:

1.  Denial - "this can't be happening to me"
2.  Anger - "why me?"  feelings to fight back or get even
3.  Bargaining - often takes place before the loss.  Attempting to make deals with the leaving spouse, or even  with God
4.  Depression - feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity.  Mourning the loss of not only a person, but also the loss of hopes, dreams and plans for the future.
5.  Acceptance - accept it, don't just try to bear it quietly.  Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage.

 Even though I have felt and dealt with all of these feelings, and accept where I am, I do find some days more difficult than others.  It's hard to see people with their families, husbands, wives and kids altogether doing "family stuff" together.  I'm not saying that I will never have that again (I would LOVE to!), but I have also had to accept if that does not happen for me again. 
On those hard days, I have to constantly give my frustrations and fears to God to carry for me, that's too much for me to carry by myself.  Having a strong support base of family and friends sure helps too.

Time does heal wounds, but you have to let it by letting go first.

Acceptance

So this goes hand in hand with the previous post.  Acceptance.  Accept your situation, accept what life has handed you.  Denial is usually one of the default reactions...but denial is stressful!  Stress in turn manifests itself in many different ways; anger, depression, physical ailment/fatigue.  Also, dwelling on the event/situation, whatever it might be will just open yourself up to allow bitterness to take hold.  Don't be fooled, this is something that you may have to do on a daily basis!  I know I did.

I once read "Acceptance empowers us to see with a new set of eyes."  I'm finding that so true to my situation.  I see things very differently now.

So you don't like it, but do yourself a favour, ACCEPT it, LEARN from it and MOVE on from there.

 

You Don't Get to Pick Your Stuff

Wouldn't it be great if you could choose the path your life takes you?  Let's face it, things happen that are beyond our control.  So what can we control?...how we respond to the unexpected.

Often times we respond to unpleasant experiences defensively, perhaps a hint of denial.  As justified as that response may be, it's important not to let that take hold of our hearts and minds.  Bitterness results and if we let that take hold, watch out!  It's amazing how bitterness can consume a person and make them miserable inside and out.  I know I don't want to be the grumpy old lady that never has anything nice to say or do.

So life's handed you lemons, are you going to keep them the way they are, sour and unpleasant, or would you rather turn them into something sweet and pleasant?  Personally, I prefer lemonade.